S1E6 - Why You Feel Guilty for Needing Attention (And How to Change That)

My name's Mark, and you're listening to Head Straight. Okay. Let's talk about something that we all do but rarely admit it, feeling bad for just wanting someone to notice us. So picture this. You're sitting in a room full of people or you're scrolling on your phone, and deep down, you're hoping someone, anyone will reach out or just see you.

But then this voice in your head jumps in and says, don't even think about it. You'll sound desperate. So you stay quiet. You convince yourself it's better to keep the craving for attention buried than to risk being judged for it. Sound familiar?

If it does, here's what I want you to know. This feeling isn't random and it definitely isn't a sign that you're too much. It's something a lot of people deal with. This weird guilt about needing attention and it can mess you up if you let it. But the good news, you don't have to let it.

Today, we're unpacking where this guilt comes from, why it shows up, and most importantly, how you can get the connection you need without into shame. So let's take a look. Let's start with a truth bomb. Wanting attention isn't bad. It's normal.

It's as normal as wanting when or a nap when you're exhausted. Humans are wired for connection. It's how we survive. Now back in the days of cavemen, if nobody noticed you, it meant that you were probably about to get eaten by a tiger. Today, no saber tooth tigers are lurking around, I hope, but that deep rooted need to feel seen and valued is still baked really hard into your DNA.

So why the guilt? For a lot of us, it starts with the stuff that we're told growing up. Maybe you heard things like stop being so dramatic, you're just doing that for attention, don't make it all about you. Now when you hear these messages enough, you start to believe that wanting attention is selfish or even shameful. If you're like most people, you carry that belief into adulthood.

Every time you catch yourself wanting a connection, that guilt kicks in, whispering stop it, nobody likes an attention seeker. This guilt can also tie back to that not good enough voice that we talked about in episode one. Remember how those early messages about your worth can stick, becoming part of your inner critic? If someone made you feel like asking for attention was selfish, that belief can start running its own show without you even realizing it. Now here's the thing though.

That guilt, it's not yours. It's just something that you've picked up along the way, and it doesn't have to stay with you. Let me guess, you've tried ignoring the fact that you want attention haven't you? Maybe you've told yourself I don't need anyone to notice me, I'm fine. But let's be real about it.

How's that working out? Probably not that great. Now here's why. Ignoring a need doesn't make it go away. It just builds up like pressure in a shaken bottle of fizzy drink.

Eventually, that pressure comes out sidewards leaving you more frustrated and disconnected. This ties back to what we talked about in episode two, how your emotional brain works like a gas pedal. When you ignore your need for connection, it's like stomping on that pedal while just ignoring the warning signs. That emotional build up doesn't just disappear, It shows up later, often in ways that you didn't plan. Alright.

Let's get into the stuff that we all do but hate admitting. The messy cringe ways that we try to get attention when we don't know how to ask for it. For instance, picking fights. You're not actually mad, but you start an argument anyway. Why?

Because anger gets a reaction. At least it forces someone to engage with you. There's also oversharing. You meet someone new and immediately unload your entire life story. Why?

Because deep down you're craving validation. You want someone to care, to see you, but oversharing can push people away instead of pulling them closer. Some people play the clown, be the funny one, the sarcastic one, but sometimes humor is just a mask, a way to say, hey, notice me, without actually saying it. All about going silent. You shut down, stop talking, and wait for someone to check-in.

But here's the thing, silence doesn't always get noticed. And when it doesn't, you end up feeling even worse. Now if this sounds familiar, think back to episode six where we talked about how unaddressed emotions can lead to hurting others or yourself. Sometimes when you don't know how to ask for what you need, those feelings spill out in ways that hurt your relationships. So how do you get attention without the guilt or the drama?

Well, it's all about being honest first with yourself and then others. So try these steps. One, own it. Stop pretending that you don't need attention. There's no shame in admitting it.

Saying to yourself, I want someone to notice me. So what? Think of it like being hungry. If you're starving, you don't just sit there thinking, I'm so pathetic for needing food. You just go and eat.

The second step is be direct. Now yeah, get it. It feels vulnerable, but being up front is way better than dropping hints or starting fights. Try saying something like, do you know what? I've been feeling really off lately.

Can we talk? I miss feeling close to you. Any chance that we can hang out soon? I'm really struggling right now. Can you listen for a bit?

Now it might feel awkward at first, but honesty really does get the results. The last step is spread it out. Don't expect one person to meet all your needs. That's a lot of pressure for any relationship. Instead, focus on building a network of connections, friends, family, mentors, so that you're not leaning too on just one person.

Now this ties back to episode three where we talked about creating a support network. A strong network makes it easier to get the connection that you need without overloading anyone. So speaking of networks, let's talk about how to create relationships where attention flows naturally. And here's some things that you can do to help that. Show up for others.

If you want people to notice and support you, make sure that you are doing the same for them. Connection is a two way street. Be consistent. Relationships take time. Keep showing up even when life gets busy for you.

And set boundaries. If someone consistently brushes you off or makes you feel worse, it's okay to step back. Focus on the people who genuinely care. This is where the boundaries that we discussed in episode four come into play. Protecting your energy isn't about shutting people out.

It's about making room for the ones who value you. Now not everyone will respond the way that you want. Maybe someone brushes you off or acts like you're asking for too much or just doesn't get it. Now when that happens, it's really easy to feel rejected, but it's not the end of the world. Here's what to do.

Recognize who's worth your energy. If someone isn't meeting your needs, it's not a reflection of your worth. Learn to self soothe. When you can't get the attention you need right away, find other ways to process your feelings. Writing a diary, taking a walk, or just sitting with your thoughts can help you to connect with someone who's available.

One bad response doesn't mean everyone will let you down. Now this ties back to episode five where we talked about making better choices. Sometimes letting go of the guilt and asking again, maybe from someone else, is one of those choices. Now here's the truth. Guilt about wanting attention doesn't serve you at all.

It doesn't make you stronger, more independent or more likable. It just keeps you from getting the connection that you deserve. So here's the deal. You're allowed to ask for attention. The next time guilt tries to convince you otherwise, remember this, your needs matter and owning them is a step towards stronger relationships.

So let's pull this together. Wanting attention doesn't make you weak, clingy or selfish. It makes you human. It's not something to feel guilty about, and it's definitely not something to shove down or apologize for. The truth is, owning your need for connection is one of the most powerful things that you can do.

It shows self awareness, courage and a willingness to create stronger relationships. And when you start asking for attention in a healthy honest way you're not just taking care of yourself, you're also inviting others to connect with the real you. Remember, the goal here isn't to get it perfect every time. You're going to mess it up occasionally. All do.

What matters is that you keep trying. Every conversation, every moment of honesty, and every step you take towards letting go of the guilt gets you closer to the relationship and the connection that you deserve. And if you take just one thing away from this episode, let it be this. You are allowed to ask for what you need. You are allowed to take up space in your relationships, and the people who value you won't just tolerate that.

They'll meet you half way. Now in the next episode, we're digging into something that might sting a little. Why you keep hurting the people that you care about. Sound brutal? Maybe.

But if you've ever snapped at someone and instantly regretted it or watched someone pull away and wonder what you did wrong, then this one's for you. We're gonna break down what's really going on underneath those reactions and how to stop that cycle before it wrecks your relationships. So see you on the next episode.