Why Does It Feel Weird When Someone Is Kind To Me?

My name's Mark, and you're listening to Headstraight, a podcast for teenagers and young adults where we talk about mental health, relationships, and all of the complicated stuff that comes with growing up. The things that you're thinking about, the questions that you're asking, and the stuff that you're just trying to figure out. Hello, you lot, and welcome back. And today, we've got a question. Why does it feel weird when someone is kind to me?

Now, this might sound really familiar to you. When someone says something really nice about you and for a split second, have absolutely no idea where to put yourself. You were really good at that. No, I wasn't. You were?

Honestly, you should have seen all of the bits that I got wrong. And there we go. Someone's just given you a compliment, and somehow you've managed to turn it into an argument. They're now having to convince you that they meant what they said, whilst you're busy trying to prove them wrong. It's a bit weird when you think about it, but I wonder how many of us do exactly that because, and this is the strange part, you might actually believe them.

You know they're being genuine, and there's a part of you that's really pleased that they've noticed. It's just that now they're looking at you, waiting for a response, and you just suddenly wish that you could disappear into a hole in the ground. And it doesn't just stop at compliments. Maybe a friend can tell that you're having a bad day. They offer to stay with you for a bit to keep you company.

And almost before they're finished talking, you've said, no, honestly, I'm alright. You can go. So they do. And then you sit there wondering why you said that, because actually having them around would have been quite nice. There's this thing that can happen when we're on the receiving end of kindness.

We can recognize it, appreciate it, and even want more of it and still find ourselves doing everything possible to get out of that moment. And part of the difficulty might be that when someone's being kind to us, we're suddenly the person being looked after. We're the ones receiving the attention. For a little while, the focus is on us. And depending on who you are, that can be really uncomfortable.

You know, there's something quite odd about being able to say something nice to a friend without giving it a second thought, but struggling to accept those very same words when they're directed towards you. So I want to spend a bit of time looking at that because there's a difference between enjoying the idea of being cared about and knowing what to do when it actually happens. And I'm particularly curious about those first few seconds when someone's kindness catches you off guard because what's actually going on there? Now one of the things about these moments is just how quickly they can happen. You can be halfway through brushing off a compliment before you've even realized that you're doing it.

It's almost automatic. And afterwards, when you think about it, you might wonder why you couldn't have just said thank you. I mean, it's two words. Hardly a complicated conversation. But there's a slightly more personal side to all of this.

Imagine you've been out with friends, and as you're leaving, one of them says, I'm really glad that you came today. That's it. Just a little comment as they're saying goodbye. And you laugh and say, okay. Don't be weird.

They laugh, you laugh, and off you go. But later on your way home, you find yourself thinking about what they said because actually it was really nice to hear. And now you're wondering why you couldn't have just told them that. Someone's taken the trouble to tell you that having you around made their day a bit better. And for a few seconds, you had this unexpected glimpse of how another person sees you.

I reckon that can leave us feeling a little exposed because accepting what they've said means allowing yourself to believe that your company was genuinely wanted. And that's quite a personal thing to hear, especially when you're used to just getting on with things or trying not to draw too much attention to yourself. Of course, some of us get embarrassed really easily. Others aren't particularly comfortable with compliments, especially when they're made in front of other people. And there are times when we genuinely just don't know what to say.

There doesn't have to be some complicated explanation behind it. But think about that moment on the way home. You're remembering what they said and you're smiling about it. Their kindness stayed with you. Whatever came out of your mouth at the time, it clearly meant something.

And I reckon we can be a bit hard on ourselves about those reactions. Like there's some right way that we're supposed to respond whenever someone says something kind. But being appreciated can catch you off guard, particularly when it touches something that you don't often hear about yourself. And compliments aren't the only kind of kindness that can leave us feeling uncomfortable. Sometimes when someone goes out of their way to do something for you, there's a completely different feeling that comes along with it.

That little voice telling you that you now owe them something. And I'm not necessarily talking about money here, although that's probably the easiest way to explain it. Imagine you're out with a friend and they buy you a drink. There you go. I got you one.

Oh, cheers. How much do I owe you? Nothing. It's fine. No.

Seriously. I'll send you the money. Honestly, don't worry about it. And there you are, practically begging someone to allow you to pay for a drink that they've already told you was a gift. It's a bit stupid, isn't it?

They've done something nice for you, and now you're making it really difficult for them. But take money out of the equation for a moment. A friend goes out of their way to help you with something. They give up their time, make an effort, and you really appreciate it. And then there's this little thought creeping in.

Right. I need to remember this. I owe them one. Before you know it, you're thinking about what you can do for them in return. Now, there's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to return someone's kindness.

That's part of how friendships work. But it can get uncomfortable when returning the favor starts to feel like something you have to do. It's almost like you can't properly enjoy what someone's done for you until you found a way to pay them back. Maybe there's something reassuring about keeping things equal. If they've done something for you and you've done something for them, then everyone's happy.

Nobody owes anyone anything. It's all nicely balanced. Except relationships don't work like that, do they? There are times when one person needs a little more support than the other. Someone has a difficult week or they're going through something and their friends rally around them.

A few weeks later, things might be completely different. And no one sits there with a notebook adding up who did what for who. Well, hopefully not, because that would be a massively exhausting friendship. But we can carry around our own little notebook inside our head, keeping track of what people have done for us, remembering favors, making sure that we don't take too much. And somewhere in all of that, we can lose a bit of the pleasure of being cared about because we're too busy working out what we're supposed to do next.

Now I don't want to pretend that every act of kindness comes without expectations. We've probably all met people who are quite happy to remind us of everything that they've done for us. But when somebody genuinely wants to do something nice for us, it can be difficult to accept that they're perfectly happy to just leave it there. They've done something because they wanted to, and actually, they might have enjoyed doing it. Think about it from the other side for a moment.

When we're the one helping, we understand that feeling perfectly well. We know what it's like to do something thoughtful for a friend just because we care about them and we don't necessarily want anything back. But put us on the receiving end and somehow the rules seem to change. Which brings us onto another part of this. Why is it that for some of us, being the person who looks after everyone else feels so much easier than allowing someone to look after us?

Because I think there's a certain comfort in being the person who helps. When a friend's having a difficult time, you can check-in with them, offer a bit of advice, or just sit and listen whilst they get things off their chest. You know what you're doing, and even if you can't fix whatever's going on, at least you feel like you're doing something useful. But then the situation changes. You're the one that's had the rubbish day.

Things aren't going particularly well for you, and it's one of your friends that notices. Here, let me help you with that. And straight away, out it comes. No. It's alright.

I've got it. Have you though? Because from where they're standing, you've quite clearly got about 17 things that are going wrong at the same time, and you're refusing the one person who's offering to take something off your hands. It's almost impressive how determined we can sometimes be to struggle with stuff on our own. But think about the difference between those two situations.

When you're the one offering support, you've got a certain amount of control. You decide what you can offer, how much time you've got, and what you're comfortable doing. And there's a good feeling that comes with being useful, isn't there? But when the situation's reversed, they've noticed something about you, and now it's your turn to allow another person to step in. Maybe they've picked up on the fact that you're struggling before you've even said anything, and if you're used to being the person who generally manages things, that can leave you feeling a bit uncomfortable.

You might start explaining why you don't really need their help. And whilst you're doing that, they're probably standing there thinking, for god's sake, I'm only trying to give you a hand. I reckon being capable can become quite an important part of how we see ourselves. We like knowing that we can manage things, that we're independent, and that people can rely on us. There's nothing wrong with taking pride in that.

But when you've got so used to being capable, an offer of help can almost feel like someone's pointing out that you're struggling, even though that might be the last thing on their mind. Now, I can understand why some people don't like being fussed over. And let's face it, there are times when you genuinely would prefer to be left to get on with things on your own. You should be able to say no to help if you don't want it. But what about those occasions when you'd actually appreciate a hand and yet you find yourself refusing almost out of habit?

You can end up working really hard to look like you don't need anything from anyone. And in the meantime, those people who care about you are trying to find a way to help. And if that automatic, no, I'm fine has already come out of your mouth, there's a question worth asking. Are you actually allowed to change your mind? Of course, all of this sounds fairly straightforward when we're just sitting here talking about it.

Somebody says something nice, you say thank you. Somebody offers help, you accept. There we go. Problem solved. But we're human, aren't we?

And unfortunately, we don't always respond quite the way that we'd like to. You can know exactly what you want to say and still hear something completely different come out of your mouth. Do you want me to stay for a bit? No. No.

Honestly, I'm fine. And there it is again. You've just turned down something that you would have quite liked. But here's a thought. What would happen if instead of leaving it there, you turn around and said, actually, do you know what?

If you don't mind, that would be really nice. It's such a small thing, isn't it? You've changed your mind. That's all. But if you're used to brushing people off or insisting that you're okay on your own, those few words can feel difficult to say.

Because now you're allowing someone to do something for you, and you're actually letting them know that you appreciate it. The trouble is we can get so caught up in how we respond to kindness that we start treating it as another thing that we're supposed to be good at. A bit like there's a correct way to accept a compliment or some special technique for allowing people to care about us. And if we're still feeling awkward, then we must be getting it wrong. Well, that's hardly gonna help, is it?

Imagine being uncomfortable with kindness and then feeling bad about being uncomfortable with kindness. You've managed to give yourself two problems for the price of one. I don't think we need to make it quite so complicated. Now you might still go bright red when someone gives you a genuine compliment. You could find yourself laughing nervously, looking at the floor, or desperately trying to think of something to say.

And that's okay. The awkwardness might still be there, even when you're beginning to enjoy the attention. Because feelings don't always catch up with what we understand straight away. You can know that you're appreciated, believe that someone genuinely cares about you, and still be getting used to what that feels like. And I quite like the idea that we don't have to suddenly become a completely different person to start accepting a little more kindness into our lives.

Maybe it's just a case of noticing occasionally, that moment when you're about to brush up a compliment and instead you manage a slightly embarrassed, thanks, yeah, that was really nice of you. Or realizing that you've automatically refused someone's offer of help and then decided to go back and accept it. It probably won't feel life changing at the time. You might still even feel a bit silly afterwards. But those little moments give you a chance to get used to allowing other people to do things for you without immediately trying to make the moment disappear.

And that leaves me thinking about something. We spend so much of our lives learning how to be kind to other people. But how much time do we actually spend learning how to let kindness come back to us? We can be so busy worrying about how we respond to other people's kindness that we almost forget to enjoy it for ourselves. And that's a real shame, because when you think about some of those little moments that we've talked about today, look at what's actually happening.

Someone notices you. They thought about you or appreciated something that you've done, and they've taken the trouble to let you know. And for a moment, you had a little glimpse of how that person sees you. Now, I reckon that's quite a nice thing to experience, especially when we spend so much of our time worrying about what other people think of us. Because here's someone actually telling you something good, and you're practically bending over backwards to convince them that they got it wrong.

The inside of our heads can be a really weird place sometimes. Anyway, before we finish, I want to go back to something that we talked about right at the beginning. That moment when somebody said something nice about you and you suddenly wished that the ground would swallow you up. I wonder what would happen if you allowed yourself to enjoy that moment even just a little bit. You don't have to make a big deal out of it, and you certainly don't have to pretend that you're comfortable when you're not.

But there's something quite freeing about realizing that you can feel a bit awkward and still appreciate what's happening. Those two things can exist together. And of course, there's going to be times when someone's kindness doesn't feel right or when you genuinely prefer to manage something on your own. You know your relationships, and you're allowed to make those decisions. But when it's someone you trust, and you know their kindness is genuine, perhaps you could give yourself a little more room to enjoy it.

Because being cared about is one of those things that most of us want in our lives. We want to know that we mean something to people, that our company matters to them, that they think about us, and that they're pleased we're around. And every now and then, someone gives us a tiny reminder of exactly that. So the next time someone says something kind to you or offers to do something thoughtful, have a little think about how you respond. And if you find yourself getting all embarrassed and awkward, well, that's okay.

You might even be able to have a laugh about it afterwards. And maybe somewhere underneath all of that awkwardness, you can appreciate what it is that someone's trying to tell you, that they're glad that you are around. And sometimes, that's quite enough. Next time, we have a different question. Are you up for it?

Of course, you are.